


keep me grounded as i reach

by zaeedmassanis (theworldabouttodawn)



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Destroy Ending, Earthborn (Mass Effect), F/M, Gen, Platonic Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 21:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16049054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theworldabouttodawn/pseuds/zaeedmassanis
Summary: when she thinks about it, they're not as mismatched a pair as they may seem.or: aina mayfair shepard and jeffrey samuel moreau, platonic soulmates extraordinaire.





	keep me grounded as i reach

**Author's Note:**

> this is pretty incoherent, not gonna lie. just a series of vignettes about these two nerds with the Vaguest of themes. also unbeta'd bc i Really wanted to get this out
> 
> title from zedd and kesha's "true colors"

Shepard first hears about Jeff Moreau while she’s preparing for the _Normandy’_ s shakedown run on Arcturus. The idea of someone being able to just _steal_ the ship from right under their noses worries her a bit (should probably do _something_ about that security), but she’s more concerned about the pilot himself.

Here’s the thing: she’s had “Jeffrey Samuel Moreau” scratched across her left wrist in barely legible print for as long as she can remember.

Which means that the Alliance better let him fly their damn ship so she can _meet_ him. She’s been waiting 29 years for this.

That’s not a reason she can give Anderson to bring him on, however. The Alliance keeps records of every marine’s soulmate, but rarely do they actually bother cross-checking them, and it’s even rarer for a soulmark to be taken as a reason for special considerations.

From what she’s heard of this Moreau, however, she thinks she’d like him. Well, she’s _supposed_ to, it’s dictated by the universe or something, but she thinks she’d like him even if his name wasn’t on her wrist.

 _Takes balls to steal the newest ship the Alliance has just to show off_ , she thinks. She likes that.

And then Anderson’s calling her, summoning her to an urgent meeting. “It’s about the pilot,” he says.

“What’s wrong with him?” she asks.

“It’s not that. I’ll let you know when you get here,” and the comm clicks dead.

The meeting room door is closed, and when she knocks, Anderson comes out and shuts the door behind him. “We’ve decided to take Moreau on.”

Shepard’s taken aback. She had expected to have to argue for him, grasp at straws to get him on board instead of arrested, yet here they are. “You have?”

“The turians insisted on it,” Anderson responds. “Wouldn’t let the _Normandy_ leave dry dock without him.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t think the turians would take kindly to getting their ship stolen. Besides, aren’t they all about following orders?”

Anderson shrugs. “Moreau’s one of the best pilots Invectus has seen, I suppose. Anyways, he’s in there with Pressly and a few of the others. Mission briefing. We leave tomorrow morning.”

So Shepard dutifully follows Anderson in. Despite all the military men and women standing at attention, impressive even in utes like hers, her eyes are immediately drawn to the slight figure in the chair, crutches laid by his side.

When he shakes her hand, she sees letters on his wrist written in an illegible scrawl, and somehow she _knows_ that it says “Aina Mayfair Shepard”, just like she _knew_ when she first heard about him, just like she _knows_ when he greets her with a “Commander Shepard. Good to meet you.”

They can’t say anything about it, however, not when Anderson’s giving them the rundown on the _Normandy_ ’s shakedown run (apparently there’s going to be a turian Spectre coming along with them, and isn’t _that_ something) and every last bit of the mission is probably being recorded for posterity, including this damn meeting. 

So they go out for coffee as soon as the briefing’s over, and it’s – well, it’s everything she’s expected ever since she first learned what the name on her wrist meant. It’s laughing as telling each other about their childhoods somehow morphs into Shepard explaining how she got that scar that cuts through her eyebrow (“– so the moment Blasto burst into the room I screamed and lost my grip on the fire escape. Never found out how that movie ended,” and “What do you _mean_ , you never found out how it ended? It’s the best one!”) It’s Moreau (“Call me Joker”) responding with one of his own about his sister, Hilary, and how she accidentally got the extranet in their apartment on Arcturus flagged because she wanted to know what was up with asari head-tentacle-things. It’s “for the love of God, call me Aina” and “no can do, gotta call you Commander on the Normandy anyways, but thanks, I guess?” and she _understands_.

“No wristband?” she asks when they finally stand to leave, gesturing at his wrist. “I mean, it’s not _mandatory_ , but–” 

“It’s uncomfortable, and your handwriting is bad enough that no one would’ve known anyways,” he shoots back. “Took me _years_ to decipher it myself.”

Shepard dismisses that with a scoff. “Yeah? You’re one to talk, Joker.”

“What about you?” he asks. “You don’t have a wristband either.”

“I–” She should probably tell him the truth. “I took it off before the briefing. Wanted you to – well, wanted you to know that I know, so things wouldn’t get awkward.”

“You wanted me to know that you know? What, is this middle school?” Joker asks, and. Well. 

She skipped at _least_ half of middle school. Only so many hours in the day, and she couldn’t scavenge in the dark. The days she did attend didn’t leave a great impression on her – the other kids didn’t take too kindly to a girl who didn’t know much about anything that wasn’t diving or fighting. Unless it was aliens. Kid Shepard was already fascinated by the aliens from the get go.

But she doesn’t tell Joker any of this – maybe someday, when she knows him almost better than she knows herself, when he’s already heard every secret she has to tell (and more besides), when just being around him feels like _home_.

(She doesn’t know how prophetic this thought will turn out to be.)

* * *

Shepard has an open-door policy when she’s in her cabin – if it’s normal operating hours (really, any time between 0630 and 2330) and she’s nowhere to be found anywhere else, anyone can come in and chat. It’s the same policy that Anderson has had on every ship he’s commanded, and it worked well for him 

No one really takes advantage of this on _her_ ship, unfortunately. The crew still seems too cowed by her (and _that’s_ going to have to stop – she can’t trust a crew who can’t even speak straight around her) and she makes enough rounds down in the cargo hold that the ground team is probably sick of her.

But one evening there’s a buzz on her comm. “You in your cabin, Commander?” Joker asks.

“Yeah, why?” Joker’s the last person she expected to ask, partially because he never leaves the cockpit to begin with but also. Well. They’re soulmates, and she had expected for him to get the message that that means he’s _different_ from the rest, doesn’t need to ask or whatever, but that’s clearly not the case.

“Finally finished downloading another _Blasto_. Wanna watch it together?” His voice is curiously light – Shepard’s not sure if he even expects her to take him up on it.

But – maybe she should.

She hasn’t exactly been keeping up with pop culture recently – can’t remember the last time she sat down to watch a vid, if she’s being honest – and she wants to say that she doesn’t have time, but the truth is that she does. They’re en route to Noveria right now, and it’s smooth sailing from here on out to the relay, and Dr T’soni seems to be doing fine and she’s already made her rounds and–

(It doesn’t hurt that she’s also been searching for _some_ way to get Joker out of the pilot’s seat and take a break. God, it’s like he _shits_ in the thing.)

“Come on down,” she responds.

It’s probably the best decision she’s ever made in her life.

* * *

“Can’t believe they let a cripple into the Navy, let alone pilot the _Normandy_ ,” Shepard hears a crewman grousing one day when she’s heading out from a checkup with Karin. 

Immediately, she detours to the mess table. “Care to repeat that, McClain?” she asks, arms crossed.

The hapless private immediately snaps to attention. “Sir?” he says.

“Joker was handpicked by Anderson and General Invectus,” she informs him crisply. “He’s the best man for the job, and if you don’t think so, you can see yourself off this ship at the next port. That what you want?”

“No, sir!” McClain says. “My apologies, sir! Won’t happen again!”

“See that it doesn’t,” she snaps out. “He’s twice the man you are,” and walks away without another word.

The next morning, after her cursory status report, Joker asks her to stay for a moment. “Weirdest thing happened last night. One of the guys from software stopped by and told me that I was the best pilot he’d ever seen.”

“I mean, you definitely are,” Shepard responds, keeping her voice carefully neutral.

“Then I heard that he had been talking shit, and you dressed him the fuck down,” Joker continues. “Made hell of an impression on him.”

“I do that sometimes,” Shepard agrees.

Joker sighs. “Don’t need you to stick up for me, you know. My flying does that on its own.”

“Just because you don’t need me to do it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t,” she responds. “You’re my soulmate, right? I’ve gotta have your back.”

He's silent for a moment. “Right,” he finally says. “You’ve got my back.”

* * *

So maybe Shepard starts spending more time in the cockpit than she technically should. The CIC is central for a _reason_ , but – it’s usually emptier up here, far away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the _Normandy_ , and it’s nice to just relax and unwind after a long day spent bumping around in the Mako. 

(It’s not her fault she can’t drive. No one ever bothered to teach her.)

And she regales Joker with stories of her childhood, of diving into the flooded parts of New York for old tech and older artefacts no one seemed to know what to do with but wanted anyway, of petty theft and scaling old skyscrapers and the sort of adventures kids could only get up to when they’re completely unsupervised.

In return, he tells her about spacer life, waking up every morning to see the dark expanse of stars. He had only ever left Arcturus for flight school, he says, but he wants to see Earth someday. “It’s not much to write home about,” Shepard says, but Joker shakes his head.

“It’s still Earth,” he responds. “It’s something."

(She gives the crew a day of shore leave in Vancouver after they take out that rogue VI on the moon. She stays on board though – it may be on the other side of the continent, but Vancouver is still too much like New York for her to want to go.)

(Joker comes back exhausted, probably injured, but so, so happy. “The buildings are so _tall_ ,” he exults. “Probably broke a few bones just _looking_ up at them but – the sky just goes on forever, you know? And it’s so _blue_ , so bright–” He trails off here, unable to put the rest of it into words.)

(Shepard’s not sure if she understands. Earth always felt too limiting, too insistent on trapping her into the card life had dealt her. Even then, she’s glad Joker got to experience it. He deserves it. She puts so much on him – even if it’s just a small thing, this made him happy, and that’s _something_.)

* * *

As the mission starts to take its toll on her, maybe she leans on Joker more than is strictly necessary. But it’s not like anyone else around her quite understands what’s going on, understands her continued open-eyed awe at every new planet they land on, every different sky of stars. “It’s been eleven years since you joined the Alliance,” they’d say. “Isn’t this getting old?” 

But Joker gets it. “When I’m flying, it’s like my bones don’t matter,” he confides in her one day. “And it’s just me and the stars, and I’ve got the entire universe in front of me, just ripe for the pickings.”

Shepard’s wrist twinges. She doesn’t know if it’s a missed injury, or just her mind playing a trick on her, or actually her soulmark reminding her that _they were made for each other_ , but she’ll choose the latter. “It’s like you’re seeing it for the first time every single time, right?” she asks.

“Exactly,” he says, and for a second Shepard forgets all about the geth, about Saren, about Sovereign. All she can see is the stars.

* * *

And then Virmire happens.

* * *

“I’m sorry, Aina,” is all he says when she stumbles into the cockpit, shutting the door. “Couldn’t have been easy.” 

She doesn’t respond, slumping into the copilot’s chair and curling up, hugging her knees. He’s patient, though, waits for her to work her way through it. “Never gets easier,” she finally says. “Used to think it would.”

Wordlessly, he reaches out a hand to her. She doesn’t hesitate to grasp it, squeezing as tight as she dares, as the sobs finally come pouring out.

* * *

When the first blast hits, Shepard’s thrown off her feet, weightless for a few seconds before she latches back on to one of the railings in the CIC. “What was that?” she yells. 

“We’ve been hit!” Joker responds through the intercom. “Multiple hull breaches!”

“How long can we keep this up?” she asks, already making a beeline for the crew deck.

“Not long!” Joker yells. “We’re losing vacuum seals!”

Taking a deep breath, she gives the order. “Abandon ship,” she says into her commlink. “Get to the escape pods as fast as you can. We’re not going to go down with her.”

She grabs her armour out of the locker and heads for the distress beacon, trying to dress with one hand and prep the beacons with the other. Just as another explosion sends her reeling, her seals click in, reassuring, and she hears a voice behind her. “Shepard!” Kaidan yells.

“Distress beacon is ready for launch,” she says, trying to hold her voice steady.

“Will the Alliance get here in time?” he asks, putting on his own helmet.

She sighs. “They damn well better. We won’t last another shot. Everyone in the escape pods?”

“I’ll check this deck,” Kaidan says.

Shepard nods once. “Thanks,” she responds, moving off to sweep engineering.

There’s not much to see. She can barely see _anything_ through the smoke and flames, and what life signals her HUD can pick up don’t look promising, if they’re not making their way to the escape pods themselves. There’s nothing left for her to do here.

So she scrambles back up to the command deck, trying to get her bearings in the landscape of fire. Kaidan’s a bright figure on the other side of the ruined hall. “Everyone out?” she asks.

“As many as I could get,” he responds. “Except Joker.”

Shepard swears. “Son of a _bitch_. Get out of here, Kaidan, I’ll deal with him.”

“But–” he protests.

“Kaidan,” she says, quiet. “Go.”

He goes.

She catches sight of Pressly, slumped next to his station, and breathes out a quiet prayer for his soul, whatever and wherever it may be. But she can’t dwell on it now, not when her goddamn _soulmate_ is this close to going down with his ship. Their ship.

So she storms to the cockpit. “Joker, what the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?”

“I can still save her!” Joker insists, hands flying over the controls.

“No, you can’t!” Shepard yells, bracing herself against another roll. “She’s lost, Joker, we _have to go_!” And for a heart-stopping moment she genuinely believes that Joker might refuse, that she’d have to _leave him_ –

He sighs. “Alright,” he says, and starts unstrapping himself from the pilot seat. “Come on, help me up.”

They struggle together to the escape pods, making their way around fallen beams and smouldering consoles, and it’s all – very poetic, somehow, watching the pieces of their life flutter into ash around them, shuddering with every new hit.

But she won’t think about it. “Almost there,” she grunts, heaving Joker over a chunk of charred steel.

“Watch the _bones_!” Joker yells when she almost drops him. “What the _shit_ , Commander–”

“Maybe if you hadn’t tried to be a _hero_ , we wouldn’t be having this problem!” she responds, doing her absolute best not to just toss him into the goddamn escape pod.

He makes it in, thankfully, and motions for her to follow him. But she risks a look back, a glance at the burning remains of her pride and joy, and – well. It’s sobering, more than anything else that she’s seen today, because the sight of the CIC in flames finally hits home.

And then another blast slices right in between her and the pod, sending her flying.

“Commander!” Joker yells.

Shepard grabs on to whatever she can find, frantically searching for the eject button to get Joker out of there, at the very least. She’s got a suit – she can make it out–

“Aina!” she hears, cut off when her fingers finally close on the eject button.

The force of the ejection sends her flying the other way, out through the burning hull and into the sea of stars. She watches, breathing heavily, as another blast slices through what remains of her ship, blooming into a giant fireball.

Then the air she’s drawing into her lungs seems not quite enough, and there’s something _not right_ when she scrabbles at her life support, and–

As she floats in the darkness of space, a curious calm washing over her as everything goes black, her last thought is _at least Joker made it out alive._

* * *

She doesn’t stop running when she wakes, doesn’t have time to process all that’s going on around her, can barely catch her breath even when Lawson finally leaves her to wander around a – ship? station? planet-side base? She’s not entirely sure.

The Illusive Man doesn’t do much to assuage any of her concerns either. She can’t call on any of her old team, apparently – here she’s not entirely sure if that’s _true_ or if he just doesn’t want her working with people she knows she can trust.

But when the call clicks off ( _finally_ ), she hears footsteps behind her, stiff and uneven. “Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?” someone says from behind her, a familiar voice.

She whirls around, hardly daring to believe. “Joker?” she asks, heart in her throat.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” he says, and _oh_ , Shepard would _tackle_ him if they weren’t in a Cerberus base and she wouldn’t run the risk of crushing every bone in his body. Joker is the first familiar presence she’s felt since she slammed the button to let him go, and she is _ecstatic_ to see him again.

“I’m going to hug you now,” she says instead of running, reaching out carefully. “And you’d better let me.”

“Watch the bones, Commander – oof!” He grunts when she crushes the air out of his lungs, but she’s careful enough (and watching the diagnostics on her visor) and eventually lets him go without any injuries.

“When am I going to get you to call me Aina?” she asks, but she’s grinning nonetheless. The smile feels alien on her face, like these muscles haven’t done anything like that yet, but she can’t stop. Joker’s here, and if he’s here, then maybe everything won’t be so terrible after all.

“As long as you’re my CO, you’re the commander,” Joker says. “Come on, I’ve got something to show you.”

He hobbles off, and it’s then that Shepard notices – he’s _walking_ on his own. “You can _walk_ now?” she asks incredulously.

“Yeah! Turns out Cerberus had some leftover titanium from when they put your skeleton back together, so, hey, new me!” he explains.

“New you, huh,” she repeats slowly. “New us, wouldn’t you say?”

He looks at her curiously, shaking his head. “Nah, I don’t think so, Commander,” he says. “You’re still the same. More scars, maybe, and in different places, but you’re you. Can say that for sure.”

She hasn’t looked at herself yet – hasn’t had the time to. Has barely even had the time to _think_ about this whole thing. And she doesn’t know how many times Joker had seen her while she was – being reconstructed, she supposes. But – it’s something, alright, for Joker to take a look at her and welcome her right back as if she had never left.

“Come on,” he adds. “Something you should see.”

He leads her to a large viewing window that overlooks a vehicle bay, and–

Her breath catches in her throat. The last time she saw this ship, she had been torn to pieces, blown apart, _abandoned_ , and now – it’s a ghost, come back to life, and Shepard suddenly thinks, _that’s me_.

Except it’s not. This ship is twice the size of what she’s used to – or else Shepard’s a lot closer than she thought – and she doesn’t doubt that Cerberus put on way too many fancy bells and whistles for her to pass as an Alliance ship anymore.

Even then, that’s _her_ ship. That’s _her_ command, the one that she saw get blown up right below her feet, right in front of her eyes, and she’s back. Shepard gets a second chance.

“She’s gonna need a name,” Joker says quietly, and. Well. Shepard doesn’t _say_ it, but she knows what they’re both thinking.

It’s strange how much she wants to reach for him again, staring at this ship that is _theirs_ and yet _not_ , hoping against hope that they can reclaim some of what’s been lost.

* * *

When she finally gets a chance to examine her new body, en route to Omega, she’s not in the least bit surprised that her mark is gone along with the old scars. Cerberus doesn’t seem like the type to bother with soulmates when there’s a threat on the horizon. 

That being said, it doesn’t exactly help make her feel at home in the land of the living. She _thinks_ that she’s herself, that nothing’s really changed, but how does she know? The face looking back at her in the mirror – well, it’s mostly the same face, she thinks, except for the scars. And her hair is (somehow) the same, and her stupid eyebrows, and – she doesn’t _feel_ any different, but she has no assurance that that means she _isn’t_ any different.

“Mr Moreau is waiting at your door, Commander,” EDI says suddenly, startling her out of her reverie. “Should I let him in?”

Shepard starts, and then sighs. She’d forgotten that she’d swept her cabin clean of bugs (or else EDI doesn’t know that nudity does indeed awkwardness make.) “Give me a minute,” she says, tugging her shirt and pants back on.

She goes to open the door herself. “Commander, can we talk?” Joker asks, waiting to be invited in. Which is strange in and of itself, considering that he used to just push his way in (as much as he could) back on the SR-1.

But she nods, and gestures to the couches. “Sure,” she says hesitantly. “What is it?”

He doesn’t beat around the bush. “It’s my fault you died,” he says as soon as they’re seated. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

And she’s taken aback by this apology – in the (admittedly short) time since she woke up, she had never once considered holding a grudge against Joker or even blaming him for her death at all.  “It’s all right,” she says. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Joker says. “Yeah, you’re here now,” and he looks like he wants to reach for her, but that – that isn’t the way they do things.

Or – it _wasn’t_ the way they did things, but she’s just come back from the dead. She can hug her best friend – her _soulmate_ , can’t she?

She’s careful, because she’s got to be, but it’s _nice_ , somehow, when she scoots over to sling an arm around his shoulder. And she catches sight of his wrist, and that’s still her name right there, just like she remembered it. “Name’s the same, huh?”

“I thought about getting it covered up,” Joker says quietly. “It hurt too much to look at it. Glad I didn’t, though.”

“Mine’s gone now,” Shepard confesses. “Cerberus didn’t bother putting it back.”

Joker seems to take a deep breath, and then suddenly he grabs her wrist and pulls it into his lap, tracing the blank skin there. “Doesn’t make you any less my soulmate,” he says, stilted. “Not like they disappear when people die or change over time or whatever. They’re not _magical_. Had a friend back on Arcturus whose mark got burnt off before he even met his soulmate, but they were fine.”

She sighs. “I guess. But – it’s just one more thing that’s different, y’know? One more thing that makes me – not me.”

“Aina,” and that’s his _serious voice_ , whatever that may be, and that’s her _name_ , not the rank he usually insists on. “I _know_ you. Doesn’t matter what they did to you – they put metal in my bones, and I’m still me, aren’t I?” Shepard tries to respond, but he cuts her off before she can. “I know, I know, it’s not the same, but – I’m telling you, you’re the same Shepard who dragged me out the first night we were ever on the Citadel even though I could barely _walk_ and got me _wasted_ off a single sip of ryncol.”

“Could use some of that right now,” Shepard admits. “This – none of this makes sense. Coming back from the dead, working with _Cerberus_ –”

“Tell you what. You get the Collectors off our backs and I’ll damn well buy you the ryncol myself,” Joker says. “Don’t know what else to do with that pretty Cerberus paycheck anyways.”

Shepard looks up in surprise. “You’re getting _paid_?” she asks, half-surprised. “What the hell – they threw me out here and told me to fend for myself!”

“Which you can do pretty damn well,” Joker points out. “Didn’t you become a multimillionaire just through all the looting and hacking you did?”

“Haven’t checked my bank accounts,” Shepard says, purposefully missing the point. “Probably all gone, anyways. Told the Alliance all my shit should go to taking kids off the streets in the big Earth cities. So they don’t grow up like I did."

Joker doesn’t seem to have any snappy response to this, as he just sits there silently, a wistful look on his face. Suddenly, he seems to realise that he’s _still holding her hand_. (Curiously, she doesn’t think she minds.) “You know, you could get it redone,” he says, stroking over her wrist one more time.

“I could,” Shepard agrees. “Maybe – maybe when this is all over. When we finally have time to breathe.”

They sit in silence for a few more moments, and then Joker coughs. “So, uh, wanna watch a vid?”

Shepard almost falls off the couch laughing, for some reason. When she regains her balance, she pulls away and queues up the newest _Blasto_.

* * *

Karin won’t let her stay in the medbay. “You need some rest too, Shepard,” she says, as if Shepard hadn’t spent the past two _years_ dead. But then Karin points out that she also needs space to properly patch Garrus up, and – well – that’s a point Shepard has to concede.

But her cabin feels too large, the empty fish tank too incongruous with the rest of her surroundings, and there’s nowhere else on this ship she can go to get away from prying eyes.

Except the cockpit. Joker still doesn’t have a copilot (well, there’s that damned AI, but she supposes she has to get used to it – _her_ – eventually) and it’s no closer to the CIC or any of the operating stations than it used to be.

“He’ll make it,” Joker says before he even turns around. “You once drove the Mako off the edge of a cliff and caved in the entire passenger seat, remember? And he was fine. He’ll make it.”

“It was a _rocket_ to the _face_ ,” Shepard says. “That’s a lot different from a rover crash.”

“Not when you’re driving,” he shoots back, and – _okay,_ some things haven’t changed.

“You’ve never even ridden with me!” she points out, settling into the empty seat next to him.

He shrugs. “I got real-time damage reports,” he says, flat. “Point is, you don’t need to fret.”

“I’m not _fretting_ ,” she insists. “I’m just–”

“He’ll be fine,” Joker says quietly. “Trust me.”

And realistically, Shepard knows that there’s no way Joker knows if Garrus will be fine. But – it’s still reassuring, somehow, when the words are coming out of _his_ mouth and she knows he’d never lie to her.

“Yeah,” she agrees. “Yeah, he will.”

* * *

“I knew it,” Joker fumes when Shepard makes her way to the cockpit after Horizon. “I knew Kaidan was going to be bad news bears the _moment_ I saw you two _talking_ back on the SR-1.” 

“Are you sure you weren’t just jealous?” Shepard asks, trying to keep her voice light. Truth be told, she had never meant for her relationship with Kaidan to progress in the way it did, and while it still definitely _hurt_ that he didn’t trust her, well – that was one way to solve the problem.

But Joker laughs. “Jealous of _who_? I already know all your dirty little secrets, Commander, I never needed to date you for those. No, he just – I don’t know, I had a bad feeling, okay?”

“Wait,” Shepard says, suspicion rising. “So is _that_ why you were listening in, that one time–”

“Maybe,” Joker says, suddenly sullen. And then, “Look, I just wanted to look after you, okay? Most of the people I know found their soulmates in _middle school_ or something, and I just – I’m making up for lost time.”

And that touches Shepard far more than she expected it to. Ten years removed from the streets and she’s still not used to people just – _saying_ shit like that. “Well, then – thanks, Joker,” she says, stunned. “I – I appreciate it.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not a big deal,” Joker says, and – right. Neither of them are that good at this whole soulmate thing, even two years in. (To be fair, she did spend most of that time  _dead_ , so.)

But – she’s got time, now. Maybe not time enough to do all that she wants to, but – at least she could fix _this_ , learn to be the kind of good soulmate she had always hoped she’d get. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“Come again?” he asks.

She shrugs. “You keep tabs on me, how do I keep tabs on you? This goes both ways, you know.”

“I – I don’t _do_ anything,” Joker protests. “There’s nothing to keep tabs _on_.”

Shepard raises an eyebrow. “That a self burn?” she asks.

“Maybe,” he responds, drawing the word out. “Wouldn’t be my first, yeah?”

“And definitely not your last,” she shoots back. “So. How am I supposed to track your every move?”

“This ship’s got a AI, doesn’t it? Tell it to give you reports every twelve hours, or whatever. ‘Mr Moreau stood up twice to go to the bathroom’,” he mimics. “It’ll be watching my every move anyways.”

She can’t help but laugh at his impression. “That was _terrible_ ,” she says. “Don’t quit your day job.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he says. “What would you do without me?”

“Get into less trouble, that’s for sure,” she responds. “Catch ya later, Joker.”

It’s only hours later that she realises that she hasn’t thought once about Kaidan since she entered the cockpit. _Joker’s too good at this_ , she thinks, and she resolves to be better.

* * *

“So, Commander, you and Garrus, huh?” Joker asks the next time he shows up at her cabin door for movie night. 

She sighs. “EDI told you, didn’t she?”

“Yeah, and I’m _hurt_ that I had to hear from the ship’s evil mastermind rather than my best fucking friend in the entire universe,” he responds, settling down on the couch. “Want my opinion?”

“Something tells me I’ll get it no matter what,” she quips, curling up on the opposite side. “Go ahead, I guess.”

“I think he’s good for you,” Joker says. “Might have had a stick up his ass, but he doesn’t seem like he wants anything extra from you, not like Kaidan. Just wants to be there for you, I guess.”

“Sounds like you,” Shepard comments.

Joker makes a face. “Yeah, maybe, except how I don’t want to kiss you or make stupid jokes about heat sinks just to get you to like me or whatever.”

Shepard rolls her eyes. “And you know this _how_?”

At least Joker has the conscience to look guilty. “EDI tells me these things,” he says.

She seizes the out as soon as she notices it. “Thought you hated her?” she says, raising an eyebrow.

“I – I don’t _need_ it to fly this ship, and I sure as hell don’t trust it–” Joker says in frustration.

Shepard raises an eyebrow. “You sure about that? You seem fine discussing your commanding officer’s love life with her.”

“ _It_ , Commander,” he insists.

“Oh, am I an _it_ now?” she asks.

He makes as if to back into the elevator. “You’re the worst,” he says.

“You know it!” she sing-songs, herding him into her cabin. "Come on, what complete shit have you brought this time?"

* * *

She half-expects Garrus to brush her off today just like he’s been doing, but to her surprise, he motions her in and wraps up what he’s doing before turning to her. 

“Shepard, I have to ask – what’s going on with you and Joker?” he asks, voice deceptively light, and Shepard can’t help but laugh.

“He’s not your _competition_ , if that’s what you were wondering,” she says. “Humans – we have platonic soulmates, the people you just click with but there’s nothing _romantic_ there, if that makes sense. Joker’s – well, Joker’s mine. Cerberus just – didn’t bother to replace my mark.”

A strange light comes into Garrus’ eyes. “They didn’t, huh? Unsurprising.”

“From what I hear of the state of my body, it would have been almost impossible to save anyways,” Shepard says, even if she’s still not exactly clear on why she’s trying to defend them. “Doesn’t really matter, I don’t think. I know, and he knows, and that’s all that matters.” 

“It is, huh?” Garrus responds, mandibles twitching. Shepard thinks that’s acceptance.

* * *

They make it back in _one piece_ , somehow. They didn’t lose a single person in the entire Collector base. Shepard’s perpetually out of breath whenever she looks around her ship, still in awe that they _actually did it_ , even if Chambers is a lot more hollow-eyed and a lot less talkative and Miranda wanders around the ship looking a bit lost after breaking ties with Cerberus. 

They’re not the only ones, however. When Joker's over an hour late for movie night, Shepard goes hunting for him. He’s not in the cockpit, or in the mess, or in the crew quarters. Kasumi finally appears when Shepard’s about to head down to the hangar and says, “You looking for Joker? He kicked me out of my room!”

“He _didn’t_ ,” Shepard says, baffled.

“Well, okay, he didn’t. But he came in and downed the rest of the salarian rum, so I cleared out of there,” she explains. 

Joker’s the only one on board who drinks the salarian rum (even Mordin thinks it’s too sweet for him) but it’s only ever in small doses. Salarian liquor is ridiculously strong, made to match their speedy metabolisms, and Joker can’t get more than a few drinks in an entire night before having to call it a day. Something is _not right_.

Shepard makes her way to port observation, where she sees Joker, morose, sitting at the bar, hunched over a bottle. “You good?” she asks, pouring herself a glass of wine and sitting down next to him.

“It was on _my watch_ , Commander,” Joker says quietly. “I lost them on my watch.”

In response, Shepard calls out to the AI, “Hey, EDI, can you lock the doors and turn off your recording for port observation?” The rest of the crew doesn’t need to hear this discussion.

“Done,” EDI says. “Logging you out.”

“Commander?” Joker asks uncertainly. “What are you doing?”

“Giving you a goddamn hug,” she says, and then does so. “It wasn’t your fault.”

He’s not having it. “You left me in charge, and I never saw them coming! How is it not my fault?”

She sighs and releases him. “Self-flagellation isn’t going to get us anywhere,” she says. “Neither is pointing fingers. We didn’t lose _anyone_ , Joker.”

“Yeah, no thanks to me!” he retorts.

Levelling him with what she hopes is a stony glare, she sets her glass down. “You got us through the asteroid field right to their doorstep,” she says. “And you got the _Normandy_ out of their hands before we went through the relay. You did what you could, and it all worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

“You of all people know that it’s not just the _result_ that matters, Commander,” he says sullenly. “I–”

That is _enough_. Shepard switches on her commander voice. “You did your best. Stop beating yourself up over it.”

He sighs. “I haven’t had the time to spare to mope and guilt myself until now, so just – let me have this, alright?” he asks, startlingly firm.

In response, she shoots back, “Would you let _me_ sit and mope? If this was after Eden Prime, or after Virmire, or – would you let me just sit there, crying about what I did?”

“No!” he says, taken aback. “You did everything you could, every time–” His voice trails off as he realises.

“Then why should I treat you any differently?” she asks gently, and this – this is the kicker, she hopes. She needs him to realise that – in her eyes, at least, they’re the _same_. Equals. None of this _Commander Shepard_ shit, nothing about her being his commanding officer – she just wants them to be Aina and Joker.

“I–” He makes a few false starts. “Fair point.”

Shepard doesn’t know what to say, so she just downs the rest of her glass and waits.

Finally, Joker speaks up again. “Everything a competition with you, huh?” he asks, but he’s smiling now when she sneaks a glance at him. “Can’t just be Commander fucking Shepard, got to be the best soulmate too?”

“You know it.”

* * *

“So what’s EDI up to in the copilot’s seat?” Shepard asks over dinner a few days after Menae. “Thought that was my seat.” 

“Yeah, well–” Joker doesn’t have much of a retort to this. “She’s always been there, yeah?”

Shepard raises an eyebrow. “Nothing to do with her newfound body, then? How much you like looking at it, maybe?”

He sputters a bit. When he regains his breath, he protests, “It’s not like that!”

“It isn’t, huh? So you didn’t ask her to stay in the cockpit even though her consciousness is always there anyways?” she asks. Looking at the surveillance tapes earlier was a _time_ , but it might pay off now.

But he refuses to confirm anything. “God, we should never have brought Garrus back,” he mutters. “Didn’t realise you’d be like this all over again.”

“Hey, I’ve got some time to make up for, don’t I? Gotta get you back for all those months you gave me shit about Garrus!” Shepard protests.

He levels her with a stony glare. “You really, really do _not_.”

In that moment, Shepard decides that she’s going to get these two together if it kills her.

* * *

She’s browsing the Presidium shops (where was that aquarium VI again?) when EDI waves her over. “I was running scenarios in my head to analyse Jeff’s behaviour,” EDI says, and – oh _ohohohoho_ , this is going to be _good_. “I believe he has a strong affectionate attachment to me, but he has not stated it to anyone yet. Unless he has said something to you in your quarters,” and – is that _hesitance?_  

Shepard laughs. “He hasn’t said anything to me yet, but unless he swears me to secrecy you’ll be the first to know. Why do you ask?” She’s got a feeling that this won’t work if she’s not careful.

EDI responds, “Shepard, you are Jeff’s soulmate. Is it possible that he is romantically invested?”

She’ll be damned if this isn’t the perfect in. Even then, however, she doesn’t think EDI will go for it if she just straight up tells her to. “Maybe?” she hedges. “Like I said, he hasn’t _actually_ said anything to me.”

“Theoretically, then,” EDI allows. “You have firsthand sexual experience. How do you know when – _someone_ – is romantically invested?”

The thing is: Shepard has no idea what she’s talking about. What with the mess that was her fling with Kaidan and now how Garrus still seems to be keeping her distance despite her own very enthusiastic efforts at a reunion – she’s not sure if she’s the right person to ask.

But she knows Joker, and she can tell that this is what he wants – so goddamn badly, if the way he’s looking at them right now is any indication, and she says, “They’ll usually show signs that they can’t stop thinking about you. You know, always wanting to talk to you, giving you presents, playing music–”

EDI attempts to look sceptical. “I lack material wants other than hardware and software upgrades,” she starts, “and my core programming does not assign values to music. Perhaps we could discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.”

Shepard is _fucking screaming._ On the inside, of course, but _god_ , this conversation is proving to be far more difficult than expected. “I – I don’t think that’s necessary,” she says slowly, grasping at straws. “Possibility’s there, yeah. But you need it to develop naturally. Have chemistry.”

She has absolutely no idea what the hell she’s talking about. No matter. All she needs to do is plant the idea.

“I see,” EDI says, and _no, I really don’t think you do, somehow._ “There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to simulate the desired emotional state.”

Okay, now Shepard wants to scream _for real_. The worst part? She can’t even tell if EDI is just pulling her leg at this point – actually, scratch that, 90% of the time she can’t tell. “No, I mean relax and do something you both like. Something simple. For example, you both like humour.”

EDI perks up at the suggestion. “Correct. I will see if there are comedic entertainment shows being presented on the Citadel. Scanning…” It’s only a moment before she finds something. “Do you think he would like ‘The Man Who Hung Himself’? It appears to be about an amorous plastic surgeon.”

From what she’s seen of that show, and all the shit that he's made her watch during their weekly movie nights, he probably would. But that’s not the important thing. “EDI, the important thing is to have a good time, wherever you go. And if you’re having fun, he probably will too.”

“Then the outcome is an unknown quantity,” EDI says, perplexed, “but you are saying I should attempt it anyway.”

Shepard thinks about the wistful look on Joker’s face whenever he looks at EDI. And she thinks about Garrus, about working up the courage to say _something_ , about how _long_ it took them to get it together. “Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave,” she says, and silently begs the universe to let the course of true love run smooth this one time.

EDI blinks a few times. “I see. I believe you have improved my chances, Shepard. Thank you.”

 _Now to talk to Joker_ , Shepard thinks. It’ll probably be just as frustrating, if not _more_ , but it’s worth it. Joker deserves to be happy like – like she is, and she owes EDI so much.

* * *

She finds her way to Purgatory after leaving the hospital. It’s as good a place as any to down a few shots of ryncol and forget all about what happened today, and god knows she needs that.

Her plans – spend the Alliance’s creds, get wasted – are dashed when she spots a familiar figure standing by the bar, waving her down. “Commander!” Joker shouts, struggling to be heard over the noise.

 _Not a bad alternative_ , she thinks. There certainly are worse drinking buddies to be found on the Citadel. “Joker! What’s up?”

“Just people watching today. Look at this!” he responds, gesturing at the dance floor. “All it took was a Cerberus attack on the Citadel to get folks around here to pay attention to the war.”

Shepard glances askance at him. “How is this any different from normal?”

“Can’t you see the desperation?” Joker shoots back. “This isn’t _happy_ dancing. This is ‘forget my problems’ dancing. Look at the arms.”

She snickers. “Look at the _what?_ ”

“If a guy waves his arms like that, he’s worrying about a lot more than looking stupid on the dance floor,” Joker explains.

Well, okay, but she thinks _everyone_ dances like that, at all times. She chooses to keep that thought to herself, though, and says instead, “That’s surprisingly observant.”

“I’ve had time to watch a lot of dancing from the sidelines,” Joker says. “Speaking of which–”

Oh. No no no no _no_ – “Dancing? If you so much as _breathe_ a word about my dancing right now,” she says warningly, “I can and I _will_ eviscerate you.”

He knows her well enough not to take the threat seriously (much to her displeasure). “What’s there to say? Everyone sees it as soon as you get out there, Commander.”

She rolls her eyes. “Walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

“Yep,” he says, popping the _p_ and looking like the cat who got the cream – at least for a few seconds. Then he sobers up again. “No, I meant watching from the sidelines. What do you think about me and EDI?”

“What do you mean?” she asks. “Thought we already had this discussion.”

“Should I _ask her out_?” he says, drawing out the last three words.

She laughs. “What, are we teenagers? Go for it! Why not?”

“Because I could break a bone just from some light over-the-clothes action?” Joker responds, and _wow_ , is that a cop-out.

“That’s always a risk,” she says, “but then, so are the Reapers.” She’ll be damned if she lets Joker get in the way of his own damn happiness.

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t planning on dating Harbinger,” he says wryly. 

She sighs. “You know what I mean. If we all ended up dead this time tomorrow, what would you regret?”

“Getting a shattered pelvis,” he points out. “And a broken heart.”

“If she breaks your heart, you know I’ve still got my stash of Rocky Road hidden in the hold,” Shepard points out. “You can eat it all while we watch dumb vids together.”

“Commander,” he says, flat. “Never mind. It’s a stupid idea.”

The thing is – it’s _not_ , and EDI has a _fairly public_ conversation in her memory banks that could tell Joker just that, if either of them could get their acts together. And if Shepard has to do that herself – well, she’s already fixing everyone else’s problems in this damn galaxy, isn’t she? “If you could be out there right now on the dance floor, would you be waving your arms?” she asks gently.

He thinks about it for a moment. “Yeah.”

“Sounds like you’ve got bigger things to worry about than looking stupid, then” Shepard responds, jerking her head at the upper level.

“Yeah, guess I do. Thanks, Commander,” he says, taking a deep breath before heading upstairs. Shepard can feel the predatory grin breaking out on her face, but she can’t find it in herself to care. Today was a clusterfuck, but – at least she did _something_ right.

* * *

As Shepard makes her way out of the battery, straightening her mussed utes, she hears raised voices in the mess. _Really not in the mood for this right now_ , she thinks, still trying to ride the high, but – well. It’s her job. 

So she squares her shoulders and wades into the fray.

To her surprise (and abject disapproval), it’s two of her most senior crewmen going at it. Verbally, at least – she wouldn’t have liked to put any of her own men in the medbay – but – that’s Kaidan and Joker, sniping at each other from across the mess.

“Do you even _trust_ her anymore?” Joker’s shouting. “You almost _shot_ her!”

“I wasn’t actually going to pull the trigger!” Kaidan responds.

Joker is, apparently, having absolutely _none of that._ And Shepard’s not sure what to do with this situation. She’s already had her own – well, _discussion_ , for lack of a better word – with Kaidan, and maybe she had been a bit unfair in her assessment to Joker the next day, she didn’t think that he would actually take the matter into his own hands.

Yet here they are.

(It’s _something_ , to hear Joker standing up for her, and maybe she still hasn’t gotten used to ever hearing anyone else take her side, even after fourteen years in the Alliance, ten years after the Blitz.)

(But she really should step in.)

“Hey, hey! What’s going on here?” she asks, using her best Commander Shepard voice.

Both men stop in their tracks. Shepard thinks she can _see_ the skid marks. 

Joker’s the first to recover. “He almost _shot_ you, Commander!”

“Oh, like you haven’t thought of doing it before,” she responds. “And? Alenko, what do you have to say for yourself?”

He’s taken aback, like he didn’t think he’d have to defend himself. “Joker just – _marched_ into here and started laying into me!”

She raises an eyebrow. The odds that Joker had just done that without any provocation? Low indeed, even if she _had_ given Joker ample ammunition.

And she doesn’t want to – actually, scratch that. She doesn’t _know_ how to solve this issue without alienating one or both of them, and she definitely can’t afford that, not when one of them is her soulmate and the other one has only just gotten back on speaking terms with her but is still an integral part of her team. So, taking a deep breath, she says, “Figure it out, gentlemen,” and turns on her heel to head into the elevator.

Joker catches up with her a few minutes later, stopping by the CIC on his way back to the cockpit. “Was that really necessary?” she says without looking up.

“Yes,” he responds, obstinate.

She’s surprised. “What?” she asks eloquently.

“You can’t tell me these things and not expect me to act on them,” Joker says. “We’re soulmates, right? I’ve got your back.”

And she remembers a private from tech all those years ago, and the one time she ever had to dress down one of her men for talking shit about Joker, and she realises what Joker’s doing. “I see your point,” she says slowly. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” he says, saluting lazily. “It’s what I’m here for, right?”

* * *

“How are you and EDI doing?” Shepard asks as the credits roll. 

“I don’t know, how are you and Garrus doing?” Joker shoots back.

“Touché,” she allows. Then, “Wait, EDI doesn’t tell you?”

“Oh, she very much does,” Joker responds, grinning maniacally.

“That is _not fair_! EDI, you stop that!” Shepard directs at the ceiling.

“Is that an order, Shepard?” EDI asks, voice smooth and neutral.

* * *

Shepard really doesn’t want to speak to anyone after returning from Thessia. All she wants to do is curl up in bed and pass the fuck out, forget about everything that happened today, happened in this goddamned war, but she knows she can’t do that. Still, the least she can do is just head to the war room and close herself off. 

Her body betrays her, however, setting her on the well-worn path from hangar to cockpit without her permission. “I guess the asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now,” Joker says when she enters, and something in her _snaps._

“In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This _isn't the time_ ,” Shepard grits out, turning to leave.

But Joker slams the cockpit doors shut, pulling up a holo on a currently-empty screen. “You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!”

Shepard sighs. “So why the jokes?”                                                                                                        

Joker takes a deep breath, and then _explodes_. “Because EDI says that according to your armour’s metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy _leading the resistance_ on Earth is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!”

And suddenly Shepard feels like absolute shit. She didn’t know about Tiptree at _all_. Two weeks ago, they were on Tuchanka, watching the mother of all thresher maws take down a Reaper destroyer and curing the genophage. It had been a victory, even – even with Mordin’s sacrifice. And Joker had consoled her after that, too, and she – what has she contributed to this relationship recently?

“You do help,” she says quietly, even though she knows it’s not enough. “I don’t say it enough, but you – you help, so much, and I’m so lucky to have you here.”

His expression shifts into something unreadable, even after these years spent in close quarters, even when the universe had decided that they would understand each other better than anyone else ever would. And then he sighs. “Come here,” he says, hauling himself up and embracing her gingerly. “You need a hug.”

She stiffens in his arms. They still aren’t much of the touchy-feely kind of soulmates, due to Joker’s Vrolik’s and her own aversion to any kind of physical contact. And it doesn’t seem right now to her, getting to have his comforting presence right here when she just failed an entire planet. But – maybe she needs this right now.

And that thought itself _hurts_ , the thought that she _needs anything_ , that she can’t be strong and fearless and Commander Fucking Shepard. It’s a pain that hasn’t torn its way through her since – well, since she died, at the _very_ latest. But it’s here now, and Shepard thinks that if she isn’t careful it might burst out of her like one of those breeder pods spewing spores everywhere. Like she can’t hold it in, can’t put anything back together.

“Hey, hey, just let it out,” Joker’s saying, holding her as close to him as he dares.

So Shepard takes a deep, shuddering breath, and squeezes him once, carefully, before she lets go. “Thanks, Joker.”

He steps back and salutes her sardonically. “Any time, Commander.”

“It’s _Aina_ ,” she says reflexively. She’ll never get him to call her that, and they both know it. “And – for what it’s worth, Joker, I’m – I’m sorry about your family. I can – I’ll ask Liara to keep an eye out, see if she finds anything, for what it’s worth.” And it still doesn’t feel like _enough_ , but at least – it’s something she can do.

“That – thanks, Commander,” he responds, quiet.

She nods. “Of course. I hope they’re alright.”

“Me too,” he says, sitting back down and turning away. And Shepard trusts that he hears the other apology in her voice, too, the _I’m sorry I’m not here for you like I should be_ and _I’m sorry you’re the one bearing the brunt of all of my problems_ and _I’m sorry I can’t do anything_ , but she still squeezes his shoulder as she leaves.

Just in case.

* * *

When she sends Garrus and EDI away on the _Normandy_ in London, she has just enough brainpower left to spare a wistful thought for Joker. _Would’ve liked to say goodbye_ , she thinks, but – there’s no time. She’s got to go. 

Then there’s a buzzing in her comm. “Commander! You there?”

“I’m here, Joker,” she says, stopping in her mad dash for the relay. “Get out of here!”

“Not while you’re still down there,” he insists. “What do you need me to do?”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Shepard responds, shaking her head even though she knows Joker can’t see her. “I need you to _get out of here_. Get to the rendezvous point.”

He’s silent for a moment, and Shepard thinks that he’s followed orders and _left_ , but then the comm unit crackles to life again. “ _Not without you_.”

“Joker–” she says warningly, diving behind a block of rubble when a shot hits her shields. “I don’t know what I’m gonna find when I get up to the Citadel. You need to get the _Normandy_ away."

He huffs. “I’m not leaving you to die, Commander!”

“Save our ship,” she says. “Get out of here. That’s an order.” And she almost never _orders_ anyone to do anything, but – she needs to know that the _Normandy_ got away.

Joker sighs. “Aye aye, Commander,” he says, and Shepard expects the line to click dead. But it doesn’t – his voice comes through again. “Aina? Thanks. For everything.”

“You t–” and she’s thrown to the ground.

* * *

Garrus was by her side from the moment they found her in the wreckage, she’s told. He’s there when she wakes up, holding her hand and begging for her to come back, and – yes, she kept her promise. She came back to him. 

But he’s no use to any of them (or to herself) if he keeps sleeping in this goddamn hospital chair and keeping vigil over her bed. “I hear the _Normandy_ is still in dry dock,” she says. “Go get some rest. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Shepard–” he starts, mandibles flaring.

“Joker’s said he’ll cover you, Garrus,” Miranda says from her spot at the desk hastily set up in Shepard’s room. “And I hear that Chakwas will physically drag you to a hospital bed if you don’t get some sleep soon.”

So he leaves (not without some grumbling, of course), and Joker strolls in a few minutes later. “Nice to not be the one in the hospital bed for once,” he says.

Shepard groans. “Speak for yourself. Everything hurts.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve been there before,” Joker says.

And Shepard wants to be annoyed, but – really, of all the people she knows, Joker can definitely sympathise the most with the dull hours and endless pain and everything else that comes with basically being an invalid. So instead, she just says, “What have you got for me?”

It’s this game they play, pretending that he’s actually here to deliver a report, something _important_ instead of just keeping her company when Garrus is away. “I got a call from Tali the other day. She’s befriended a few geth primes, which is great, except now she thinks she may have to build some rooms or charging stations or whatever geth need in her house, and she’s not sure how to _ask_ them about that, or even how she would go about building them in the first place, and she also…”

Shepard’s really too lucky to have Joker here, especially after what she did on the Citadel. She would have counted it a miracle if he had even deigned to come visit her once, let alone keep relieving Garrus of his bedside post. And she knows that they’re working on getting EDI back in commission as they speak, but – Joker loved her – _loves her_ – in a way that he never loved Shepard, in a way that Shepard never loved him, and – it must be so hard for him just to act like she never pulled that trigger, and she loves him for it.

“Hey, Joker,” she says, reaching out to catch his arm, interrupting his rambling. “You know I love you, right?”

He freezes. “Better not let Garrus hear that,” he says, and Shepard can hear the tension in his voice. He thinks this is some big confession or whatever but – it’s not. He’s just – he’s Joker, and she’s Shepard, and they fit.

So she laughs. “Not like _that_ , asshole,” she clarifies. “Just – you’re my soulmate, and I think the universe got it right this time.”

Joker’s quiet for a moment. “Yeah,” he finally says, squeezing her hand. “Yeah, it did. Love you too, Aina.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was a goddamn _monster_ that wasn’t supposed to get this damn long, yet here we are. anyways i love joker and also my shep and this au is canon for them now actually
> 
> anyways what’s a consistent tone? don’t know her! this shit jumps from crack to angst and right back atcha ! (can u tell i’ve gone a bit crazy after. 10k of this lmao)
> 
> find me on tumblr


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